What's closing your heart to love?

I woke up feeling odd. Feeling suppressed. It felt like a memory that I’d held on to. 

It was a feeling of not being able to truly express my self or my emotions. I could feel it weighing down my heart. This heaviness like a a cage around my heart that kept the joy locked in there. 

Thinking about it makes me teary. I knew exactly where this stemmed from. It was from someone that couldn’t stand hearing me laugh. This is unfathomable to me. Isn’t joyful laughter contagious? Not to this person. It triggers the fuck out of them. Why? Because they hadn’t done their own healing... did it have anything to do with me? In that moment, not in the slightest. Did it affect me? Absolutely! Am I now learning from it? 100%

There were times that I was really sad and I wanted to shift my energy and laugh. Yet was then suppressed by this person being triggered by the sound of my laughter and was often told to be quiet and that I was being disrespectful. Looking back at that version of me I am feeling heartbroken for her. That her laughter wasn’t received with joy and mutual laughter or supported enough to have a conversation about how she was feeling or just offered a hug, but instead just dismissed and told to shut up. 

For a long while there it trained my heart to close down and protect myself, not express myself and to not allow love in, in any form, from friends, family and my business. My heart was shut down.

What an awareness...! 

It’s why it has been so lovely to come home, be around my family and closest friends as well as making new ones! It has been so healing and nurturing for my heart to allow it to open it up again. Be open to fully receiving love and also loving my people hard. That’s what we are here for right?

It’s really hard to show up with love for yourself  and others when your heart is closed. Sometimes you don’t even realise how someone else’s actions is having such a negatively yet profound impact on you until you are out of the situation.

I don’t hold any regret. This situation has taught me and made me the person I am today. One that I love and now understands what she needs and deserves in a relationship. I have learnt so much about myself! When I realized this person couldn’t love me through their wounded masculine and I needed to heal my wounded feminine, the first step in that healing was choosing me. 

I hope this is a reminder to choose you first, love you first, fill up your cup first and then give from the overflow. You are so worth the love and respect that you deserve. Someone that is delighted in your joy and laughter and joins you there, not drags you down because it makes them feel uncomfortable. 

Don't settle for anything less. 

Michelle x